Paul Hopper (paulhopper) wrote,
Paul Hopper

back at work

I'm back at work. Dropped my sister off at the airport this morning. She asked me, "So are we just supposed to go back to being 'normal'?" I don't know. I feel so sad. Am I returning to work too early? As I started walking from my car in the parking lot towards the entrance to the building, I saw a coworker. Nearly the entire IT department came to the funeral. So seeing her reminded me that the last time I saw her was when I was getting in the car to go from the funeral at the church to the cemetary for the burial. She looked so sad for me. And concerned. We took the elevator to the 11th floor and I sat down at my desk and saw a card from another coworker expressing her sympathy.

I don't want to go on as if nothing happened, but I don't want to be constantly reminded of it, either. I don't want to talk about it, but I don't want to pretend other topics are at the forefront of my mind. I miss my father. So much. I didn't want him to go. I wasn't ready.

This morning, before going to the airport, my sister and I drove over to where the accident happened. She placed flowers on the side of the road and pinned two cards to the post holding up the electric lines. I only read one of them. It said "I miss your smiling face".

My mother emailed me this morning. She said "I'm moving into the 'alternate reality' phase, where I disbelieve that your father is gone. He's just away, in my mind, and then I remember that isn't so and my mind doesn't want to connect the dots to confirm that."

I still tend to talk of him in the present tense. Then sometimes I catch myself, but don't really want to correct myself. His apartment is still "Dad's apartment". His cell phone and home phone number are still programmed in my cell phone as "Dad". I don't want to let go, but he's already gone. What do I do now?

So here I am at work, crying. Too soon? Truth is, I think I'd have to go through this no matter when I came back to work. But I've already decided to go home early if I need to. I'm not going to force myself to stay here if I can't handle it. Still, I don't feel like doing anything at all. I just want to go home and sleep while the whole world comes to an end.
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