Paul Hopper (paulhopper) wrote,
Paul Hopper

this is really difficult for me

I think I'm doing as well as can be expected. Which isn't saying much. Didn't get much sleep last night and, of course, I've got plenty of tears. It's hard. I can't even get through a few sentences without breaking into tears.

My father had gone into the hospital yesterday morning or early afternoon for a CT scan. They gave him something in preparation for the CT scan that was incompatible with the glucophage he was taking for his diabetes. They cancelled the CT scan and sent him home. He called me as he was leaving the hospital to tell me what happened, then began to vomit. He managed to pull himself together and I told him to call me when he got home. He did. He said he was going to go to sleep and get some rest. The doctors told him he should forgo his medication that night and give everything some time to get worked out of his system.

My brother said that my father woke up around 10:00pm and wasn't sure if it was 10:00pm Thursday night or 10:00am Friday morning. My brother told him it was Thursday night. My father said he needed to get something to eat and so he headed out for some fast food. My brother called me late last night, concerned that my father hadn't come home yet. He said he'd call the police stations and give me a call me back. The police stations he called said they hadn't picked him up for anything. My brother was worried that something might have happened to my father, but I figured it'd been enough time by then that if my father had gotten into an accident or something, the police would have already come by to let my brother know. So I took comfort in the fact that that hadn't happened. Maybe my father had gotten really sleepy and pulled over to the side of the road somewhere and fell asleep in the car? Didn't think he could be dead. Didn't want to honestly consider that possibility.

My brother called me back when the police did eventually come by. My father had been in a fatal car accident. He hit another car head-on.

The police were going to take my brother to the hospital. For me, it still wasn't real yet. But I saw his body and... it was still so unbelievable. The truth was laid out in front of me and, when I was willing to accept it, I couldn't stop crying. Only by not thinking about it could I gain some composure. Not that I try to bottle my feelings up or anything... there's just only so much you can handle at once, you know?

The other person in the accident was flown by helicopter to U of M Hospital and was doing okay. A broken leg and a few other smaller broken bones, but otherwise okay. My father was cut out of the car and taken straight to the hospital, but there were no vital signs upon arrival and the doctor or nurse or whatever we talked to said that my father probably died instantly.

At least we can take solace in that, right? That he didn't suffer.

My mother is driving over from Pennsylvania right now to help out with the arrangements. My sister is supposed to be getting in sometime tonight, too.

I've gotten phone calls and I don't know what to say to people. People ask if there's anything they can do to help... all I can think of is to ask that people be understanding and try to give me space and a hug at the same time.

I think that's all I can handle for now.
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